THE EUROVISION Song Contest is nearly upon us, bringing with it another heady night of unforgettable performances, international brown-nosing and flags. Lots and lots of flags.
It's a traditionally silly affair, with big costumes, brash lyrics and imagine sets designs the main order of the day.
More importantly, with the contest taking place on a Saturday night, it's the perfect show to enjoy from the comfort of your sofa alongside a drink or three.
So, stock up on your booze of choice, along with a bit of food to soak up all that alcohol: it's time to play the Ultimate Eurovision Drinking Game.
On-stage & BBC Presenters
Drink one finger if...
On-stage presenters try, and fail, to be funny.
One or more of the on-stage presenters changes outfits.
The on-stage presenters have a time-wasting conversation no-one can follow.
The presenters attempt to flirt with one another.
The BBC Presenter mentions Terry Wogan
The BBC Presenter mentions “Jemini” or “Bucks Fizz”
The BBC Presenter mentions that he/she needs or is drinking alcohol
The BBC Presenter moans about political voting
Drink twice if the presenter apologises for not being Terry Wogan
Performers
Drink one finger if...
Singers wave their arms around whilst singing
Singers put excessive emotion into their singing
Entries have nonsensical song titles (shoo-be-doo-wop etc)
Singers try to join in with musicians during instrumentals
Singers have an exceptionally bad haircut
You see visible/prominent nipples/genitalia.
The Maltese performer does NOT have a hairy chest
The French performer sings in French
Singers resemble, or appear to be hugely influenced by Shakira
The singer tries to interact with the audience (“c’mon!”, “altogether!” etc)
The act involves dancing that surpasses belief and credibility
The singer flirts with the camera after song has finished
A country from former Yugoslavia has a depressing song
There is use of atmospheric panpipes, drums, fiddles and/or traditional dancing
Lyrics are overly suggestive
There are any unnecessary props, or instruments that aren’t being played
The act uses a wind or smoke machine
The singer switches to a higher key near to the end of their song (“Westlife Key Change”)
A singer begins to act out the lyrics of the song
An act could be considered to be a “Boy Band”
Drink twice if the performer clenches a fist to express emotional angst (“Fisting”)
Drink twice if the performer clenches 2 fists (“Two Handed Fisting Special Move”)
Down your drink if the performer clenches 2 fists and crosses their arms (“Double Crossover Air Grab”)
Down your drink if you see an air guitar
Drink twice if you see a mullet
Drink twice and look disappointed if a ballad is exceptionally boring or euro-techno rears its ugly head
Judging
Drink one finger if...
Presenters talk over each other due to bad time delays during video links
Reference is made to Norway or the UK’s null point years
Cyprus gives Greece 12 points
Norway gives Sweden any points but not vice-versa
Malta gives the UK 12 points
There is any sucking up to the host nation
France gives United Kingdom null point
An ex-soviet country gives 12 points to another ex-soviet country
Acts are on their mobile phones during voting
And finally...
Down you drink if...
Germany's song does not mention peace, harmony or love.
The French performer sings in English
Germany spares one single point for her southern neighbour, Austria.
Norway DOES NOT give Sweden any points.
Greece DOES give Turkey some points
A performance defies belief by meeting all of the “performers” rules.
An ex-soviet country wins
