WANT to understand the complex female mind? Use author Emma Comerford's simple guide to translate what an Irish woman is really saying to you:
1. When an Irish woman says: ‘Sorry.’
What she means: ‘Excuse me,’ or ‘Get out of my way’.
2. When an Irish woman says: ‘Sorry?’
What she means: ‘I cannot believe you had the nerve to just say that.’
What she doesn’t mean: ‘Sorry.’
3. When an Irish woman says: ‘F*ck off!’
What she means: ‘No way, are you serious? That’s shockin’ news.’
4. When an Irish woman says: ‘F*ck off!’ (accompanied by laughter)
What she means: ‘I acknowledge that you are flirting with me and I am reciprocating that flirtation.’
What she doesn’t mean: ‘Go away.’
5. When an Irish woman says: ‘How’s it going? How’re ya doing? How’re things?’
What she means: ‘Hi.’
What she doesn’t mean: ‘How’s it going? How’re ya doing? How’re things?’
6. When an Irish woman says: ‘It’s fine.’
What she means: ‘It has never been fine for one millisecond and you are in a world of trouble.’
What she doesn’t mean: ‘I don’t mind.’
7. When an Irish woman says: ‘Ah, sure you’re a gas man.’
What she means: ‘You’re a pain in the h*le.’
What she doesn’t mean: ‘I find you terribly amusing.’
8. When an Irish woman says: ‘Wait till I tell ya’ or ‘GUESS WHAT!’
What she means: ‘I have the juiciest, toe-curling, scandalous gossip to impart.’
What she doesn’t mean: ‘I have something to tell you but will delay until a later date.’
*Note: when an Irish woman hears a fellow Irish woman saying ‘Wait till I tell ya’ she will crash cars, sink ships and abandon loved ones to ensure she is privy to the next sentence that is uttered.
9. When an Irish woman talking on the phone says: ‘Bye, Bye, Bye, Bye, Bye, Bye, Bye………Bye.’
What she means: ‘I am the Busiest Woman in Ireland.’
What she doesn’t mean: ‘Goodbye.’
Irish Bitches Be Crazy, By Emma Comerford, published by New Island Books is out this month
