1. Dating here is a full time job
Dating in London requires a Herculean effort. Shaving your legs is time consuming. Mincing around your room choosing an outfit takes ages. Going on dates eats up every precious moment of your free time.
Basically, dating is like having a second job. Now, thinking of something as a job tends to suck all the fun out of it, so it might be better to think of dating as something almost as unenjoyable and ubiquitous as work…like sport.
2. The Internet can be friend or foe
Dating websites are really helpful at procuring dates and there is literally a dating website to suit every one of us freaks, even if you only want to date an Amish farmer who loves Jazz and collecting mouse traps.
There are dating websites for people who want to get married, for people who just want to hook up and for people who want to know what newspaper you buy, what sort of organic cotton tote bag you use and how many moringa seeds you sprinkle on your pro-biotic yogurt in the morning.
So yes the Internet is great, but over-reliance on dating websites is a cardinal sin punishable by a lifetime of solitary confinement watching Real Housewives of Beverley Hills, which brings me to my next point...
3. Tinder will be the ruin of us all
There I said it. Tinder has ruined all our lives. Endless swiping has not only made us the judgiest, most superficial daters in history, it has also made dates, or the ghostly spectre of dates seem so accessible that we've stopped bothering with the actual 3D people all around us.
In fact, Brad Pitt just walked past wearing a hula hoop and a licking a Cornetto and you didn't even notice because you were looking at pictures of people you've never met, and most likely, NEVER WILL MEET on your phone.
So here's my advice: Delete Tinder now and go about your life happy and unshackled, safe in the knowledge that you will never having to a reply to another ‘heyyyyy, how wuz yr weekend?' message ever again.
4. It’s perfectly fine to exploit your friends
When it comes to dating, you should most certainly exploit your friends. Unless they are dribbling losers who sit at home all day watching Homes under the Hammer then they have friends and even better – friends of friends – who they can set you up with.
All you need your friend to do is give your details to their friend and then BACK OFF. Do not allow your friend to micromanage the situation. You do not need a chaperone, you do not need to know about their ex-girlfriends, you do not need to debrief your friend if the two of you go on a date.
4. Like the sea, dates tend to come in waves
In London there have been times when I have felt like Penelope in The Odyssey, surrounded by suitors vying for my hand, submerged in a man Tsunami, drowning in dates.
And then there been times of terrible drought. Weeks…no months, with nothing. NOTHING. I even sent myself a text once, just to make sure my phone was working. It was.
5. Dating in London is not rocket science
Sometimes we over complicate things. Days and days of 'banter' over text, plans for elaborate dates that never materialise -all a waste of your sweet ass time my friend. If you like someone (I'M STARING HARD AT YOU WOMANKIND), ask them the hell out. And not in a 'Wanna do something, sometime?' way, but in a 'You were my favourite thing at that party. Would you like to go for a drink on Thursday?' way.
If any man is scared of you being that direct, then give him Kate Middleton's number and move on swiftly.
6. People here lie
This is certainly not limited to the context of London, but still it’s good to know that people definitely lie when they are dating, especially online.
For this reason, you should never ever agree to go on a date with anyone who has only posted one picture on their profile. Men online lie about their age and height in much the same way women lie about being 'easy-going'.
Online, honesty really is the best policy. So for myself for example, I might write something like ‘Neurotic Irish woman with daddy issues and a substantial backside seeks man with patience of Job’.
7. Dating in a big city means big city baggage
Everyone over 29 in this city has a little emotional baggage, but some have more baggage than the all the Kardashians in that episode they all went to Bora Bora COMBINED. Try and avoid those ones, unless you are a trained psychologist.
8. Some guys here are too polite
A sweeping generalisation I know, but some English men seem to be lacking what I call 'the throwdown' (see an urban dictionary if you must). This is the problem I have encountered with English men in London particularly – they are too polite. I only wish they were like that on The Tube.
If the English stiff upper lip bothers you too, pay a visit to The Swan. No one there is too polite.
10. There is no such thing as Mr/Mrs Right in this city
Don’t be sad. Far from lamenting the death of a dream, the non-existence of Mr/Mrs Right is good news. Why? Because it means there is no such thing as Mr/Mrs Wrong either.
The notion of one true love is charming really, but we live in different times now, times full of choices. Just count how many types of hummus your local supermarket has - the generations before us never had that type of choice so they married the geezer from down the road. So forget about meeting your soulmate and go stuff your face with hummus.