TODAY IS International ‘Tell A Joke’ Day.
People from all over the world are telling their favourite jokes, ranging from the brilliant to the downright laughable—and not in a good way.
Here on the Emerald Isle we’re known for our sense of humour, so to celebrate, here are some jokes straight out of Ireland.
1 The Leprechaun
An Englishman was having a pint in an Irish bar when an Irishman came in and placed a tiny, red-haired, green-clothed man on the counter.
The Irishman and the small man ordered a pint each and as they were drinking it, the already-tipsy Englishman said loudly:
“What the hell is that little green thing?”
The little green man angrily sprinted up the bar to where the Englishman was and blew a loud, wet raspberry in his face. “THHHBBPPPPT!”
“He’s a leprechaun,” The Irishman said as the Englishman wiped himself off.
A little while passed, until the Englishman, drunker now, said: “What an ugly leprechaun!”
Again the leprechaun ran down the bar and blew another wet raspberry into the man’s face. “THHHBBBPPPTT!!”
Again the Englishman wiped himself down, and this time he was angry.
“Tell that leprechaun if he does that again I’ll hold him down and cut off his willie!”
The Irishman replied, “You can’t, leprechauns don’t have willies.”
The confused Englishman said: “Then how does he urinate?”
And the Irishman replied:
“He goes THBBBBPPPPT!”
2 Fond of the drink
Paddy asked his doctor “Do you treat alcoholics?”
His Doctor replied “Yes sir, of course I do.”
“Great,” said Paddy. “Put your coat on and let’s go, I’m skint!”
3 Revenge from the grave
Mr and Mrs Murphy had been married for fifty years and didn’t get along.
In fact, Mr Murphy so resented his wife that every time he got drunk he’d tell her “Mrs Murphy, when I die I’m going to dig my way out of the grave and haunt you forever.”
He said this so often that it became a recurring conversation between Mrs Murphy and her friends.
One night, Mr Murphy died suddenly, and after the burial Mrs Murphy’s friends gathered around her, concerned.
“Mrs Murphy, aren’t you scared that he really will dig his way out of the grave and haunt you forever?” Mrs Doyle said.
“No, I’m not worried at all,” said Mrs Murphy.
“Why not?” Said Mrs Doyle.
And Mrs Murphy replied: “Sure didn't I bury the bastard upside down!”
4 The Fire Brigade
Three Irish firemen were lazing around at home one Sunday morning when their mother decided to tempt them out of bed with the promise of a delicious breakfast.
“Who wants a fry-up?” She shouted up the stairs.
The three firefighters shouted back “Me, ma!” “Me, ma!” “Me, ma!”
5 Fanny Green
A priest was taking confession one evening when a man came in to confess to his sins.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin my child?” The priest asked kindly.
“I had sex with Fanny Green twice last week.”
“You are forgiven,” The priest told the man. “Go out and say three Hail Marys.”
The man thanked him and left, but immediately after another man came in to tell his sins.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex with Fanny Green three times last week.”
This time the priest had to ask. “Who is this Fanny Green person?”
“She’s new to the parish,” was the reply.
The next day at mass, a beautiful woman entered the church and made her way to the seats at the front. The entire congregation stopped and stared at the woman as she passed. She was gorgeous, and wore extremely shiny green shoes and a green dress which was so short that when she sat down in front of the priest he could see that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The embarrassed priest whispered to the altar-boy beside him: “Is that Fanny Green?”
“No sir,” the altar-boy replied. “I think it’s the reflection from her shoes!”
6 The Farmer
A farmer in Connemara was tending to his sheep one day when a Garda Detective entered his property and flashed a badge at him.
“Sir, I’m here to search your property for drugs,” he said gruffly.
“That’s grand,” said the farmer. “But just don’t go into that field over there.”
This made the Garda furious, and he pushed the farmer against a wall and shoved his badge into his face.
“Do you see this badge?” he said. “This badge means I can go anywhere and do anything I want. You can’t stop me going into that field! Do you understand me?”
“Grand so!” The farmer replied. “Go on into the field.”
The Garda, satisfied, left the farmer and climbed over the fence and into the field—where he was promptly set upon by a rampaging bull.
Alerted by the Garda’s screams, the farmer came running to the field, and as he stood on the fence, he screamed:
“YOUR BADGE, SIR! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”
7 The Snake
St. Patrick may have banished snakes from Ireland, but Seamus bought his very own python from a shop in Kilkee.
After a while though, he grew tired of the pet snake and decided to sell it on.
Soon he received a call from a man interested in buying the animal, but he had a few questions to ask Seamus first.
“What breed is it?” The man asked.
“It’s a python.”
“Oh. Is it very big?”
“Yes, it’s massive,” was Seamus’ reply.
“How many feet?” asked the man.
“None you feckin’ eejit, it’s a snake!”
8 The Motorbike
Mary met Deirdre down in the pub, and Deirdre could see she was very upset.
“Jesus Mary, are you alright?” asked Deirdre.
“No,” said Mary tearfully. “My friend came off his motorbike today.”
“Oh no,” said Deirdre.
“Yes,” said Mary. “He has two broken arms, two broken legs and two black eyes.”
“Ah Mary,” said Deirdre. “No wonder he came off the bike!”